Women 1. Why do women close their eyes during sex? They canít stand to see a man having a good time. 2. What is six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild? Money. 3. What do you call a Play boy centerfold that is a lesbian? Bitch. 4. What do you say to a woman who can suck an orange through a water hose? Darling. 5. Why do women skydivers wear tampons? So they donít whistle on the way down. 6. How can a woman tell she is flat-chested? She looks down her dress and the only bumps she sees are knees. 7. What are the three reasons that make anal sex better than vaginal sex? Itís warmer, itís tighter, and itís degrading to the woman. 8. Why is a womanís pussy like a warm toilet seat? They both feel good, but you wonder who was there before you. 9. What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb? You can unscrew a light bulb. 10. What did King Kong say to Oprah Winfrey? ďIs it in?Ē 11. Whatís the smartest thing ever to come out of a womanís mouth???? Albert Einsteinís dick. 12. Why do women have periods? Because they deserve them. 13. Why did God make man first? He didnít want to have a woman looking over his shoulder. 14. What do Kermit the Frog and Roseanne Barrís husband have in common? They both enjoy fucking pigs. 15. What do you call that useless piece of skin around a pussy? A woman. 16. What is the definition of a menstrual period? A bloody waste of fucking time. 17. If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong? Made her chain to long. 18. Whatís a manís idea of helping with the housework? Lifting his legs while you vacuum. 19. Why does it take 5 women with PMS to change a lightbulb? (Scream) IT JUST DOES!! 20. Why was the woman crossing the road? Who cares? What the fuckís the bitch doing out of the kitchen? 21. How can you tell if a woman really likes oral sex? She hikes up her skirt every time someone yawns. 22. How can you tell a woman has a huge ass? You have to take a mule to get to the bottom of her crack. 23. How many male chauvinists does it take to change a light bulb? None. They let the bitch do it after she finishes the dishes. 24. How many women does it take to change a light bulb? None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch. 25. Why is a laundromat a bad place for a guy to pick up women? Because a woman who canít even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you. 26. How can a woman tell if her pussy really stinks? A fly lands on it and throws up. 27. Whatís love? The delusion that one woman is different from another. 28. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down. And possibly use a lubricant. 29. What do you do when the dishwasher wonít work? Kick her in the ass. 30. Did you hear about Delta Burkeís tragic suicide attempt? She tried to harpoon herself. 31. Did you hear about the Nancy Kerrigan special at Kentucky Fried Chicken? Two small breasts and a bruised thigh. 32. How can you tell if a woman is flat-chested? She needs suspenders to hold up her bra. 33. What do you call a 300 pound woman? Fat. 34. Why are cyclones/tornadoes usually named after women? Because what starts off as a small blow ends up taking half your house. 35. What do the TV shows ĎGreen Acresí and ĎRoseanneí have in common? A pig named Arnold. 36. What is Roseanne Barrís favorite sex toy? Ben - Wa basketballs. 37. How can you tell a woman is really trashy? She brings a date to her wedding. 38. How can you tell a woman is really ugly? A cannibal takes one look at her and orders a salad. 39. How can you tell your wife is really gross? One day she doesnít wear under wear and the dog pukes. 40. How do you know a woman is to fat? Young lovers try to carve their initials into her leg. 41. How can you tell if a womanís cooking is really lousy? Natives from the Amazon come to dip their arrows in it. 42. Did you hear about the new feminine hygiene spray called SSY? Thatís what you have left after you take the PU out of pussy. 43. Why do women have two holes? So when they get drunk you can carry them like a six-pack. 44. How are clams like women? When the red tide comes you donít eat them. 45. What is the difference between your wife and your job? After five years your job will still suck. 46. Why do women have belly buttons? To hold your gum on the way down. 47. Why did the Army send so many women with PMS to the Persian Gulf? They fought like animals and retained water for four days. 48. Why is a fat woman like a moped? Theyíre both fun to ride, but you wouldnít want you r friends to see you on either one. 49. Why canít you trust women? How can you trust something that can bleed for five days and not die? 50. What is the best thing about a blowjob? Ten minutes of silence. 51. How can you tell a woman is wearing pantyhose? Her ankles swell up when she farts. 52. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning? They donít have balls to scratch. 53. What do women and Jell-O have in common? They both wiggle when you eat them. 54. Whatís the difference between a womenís track team and a tribe of pygmies? The pygmies are a bunch of cunning runts. 55. Whatís the best thing to give an 80 year old woman? Mikey! - Heíll eat anything. 56. What is the definition of a woman? A life support system for a pussy. 57. Why do women have legs? So they wonít leave snail tracks. 58. Why do women have arms? Have you any idea how long it would take to LICK a bathroom clean? 59. What 2 things in the air can make a woman pregnant? Her legs. 60. Did you hear about the new all female delivery service? Itís called UPMS - they deliver whenever the fuck they feel like it. 61. What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? Divorced.