some humour (real-life anecdotes)

FLORAL TRIBUTE

A man ordered an elaborate bouquet for a fren who had just opened a
new office. Visiting the office, he found his wreath, with a ribbon
that said "Rest in Peace." 
In a rage he went back to the florist, who said, "All right, all
right, so I made a mistake. But it's not THAT bad. Just think: someone
in this city was buried today with a bouquet that said, " Good Luck in
your new location."

CHURCHILL

Lady Astor once hissed at Winston Churchill, " If you were my husband,
I'd put poison in your coffee." 
"If I were your husband, I'd drink it," Churchill blandly replied.

LOBSTER

The romantic poet Gerard de Nerval strolled around Rome leading a live
lobster on a leash. To puzzled observers he explained, " Because he
never argues, and he knows the secrets of the deep."

MR SPOONER (originator of the term "spoonerism")

Warden Spooner of New College, Oxford, was famous for garbling his
words. An under graduate who had wasted the term was told he had
"Tasted the worm" and must leave at once by the "town drain".

He had a fuzzy perception of reality, and once stopped a young man in
the street to ask, " Was it you or your dear brother who was killed in
the war?"

Thus the English insult : "You are the kind of man Wardern Spooner
would call a shining wit".

OSCAR WILDE

In an exmination at Oxford, Oscar Wilde was required to translate st
sight from the Greek version of the New Testament. The passage chosen
was from the story of the Passion.

Wilde began to translate, easily and accurately. The examiners were
impressed & told him to stop: It was enough.  Ignoring them, Wilde
continued. At last the examiners were able to halt him; they were
quite satisfied. 

"Oh, do let me go on, " said Wilde. " I want to see how it ends."



VOLTAIRE

Exhorted on his death bed at least to repudiate the devil, unbeliever
Voltaire replied , "Is this a time to be making enemies?"

HOW ODD OF GOD

The British scientist J.B.S. Haldane was asked what his studies had
revealed to him about the nature of God.

"An inordinate fondness for beetles," Haldane replied.

TEETH

Scottish Preacher (haranguing his flock): At the day of judgement
there will be wailing and gnashing of teeth!

Voice from congregation : What about people who've lost their teeth?

Preacher (grimly) : Teeth will be provided!

HINT

Tallyrand, captured by a bore in the Traveller's Club in london,
noticed a man yawning in a far corner of the room. Clutching his
interlocutor's elbow, he whispered , " Hush! you are overheard."

In a similar fix, F.E. Smith had rung for a club servant, to whom he
said, " Would you mind listening to the end of this gentleman's
story?"

LITERARY CRITICISM

Dorothy Parker, in a book review: " This is not a book to be tossed
aside lightly. It is one to be thrown away with great force."

DYING BUT STILL WITTY

When Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes uncle lay on his deathbed, the
nurse thrust her hand under the covers to feel his feet.

"He's alive," she announced. "Nobody ever died with his feet warm"

"John Rogers * did!" croaked the dying man.

(* burned at the stake in 1555)
UGLY CURTAINS

Oscar Wilde's reputed last words, looking at the ugly curtains in his
rented bedroom: "Either they go or I do."

ALL IS FORGOTTEN

Edward de Vere, Earl of Oxford, offended Queen Elizabeth I by farting
grossly in her presence. He retired to several years ' self-imposed
exile. " Then he presented himself once more at court. 
The queen looked at him with interest and said " My lord, We had
forgot the fart!"

LONGEST ENGLISH WORD

The longest word in the English language is the one following the
phrase, " And now, a word from our sponsor."  

-- Hal Eaton

CIVIL WAR

During the Civil War, Gen. John Pope like to issue proclamations
datelined, grandiosely, " Headquarters in the Saddle."

Stonewall Jackson noted wryly that the general didn't seem to
distinguish his "headquarters from his hindquarters."


(taken from Wit, compiled & edited by John Train.)