Deep Thoughts 02 of 04 by Jack Handy

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy 02 of 04 

If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you
think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be
wrong, though. It's Hambone. 

Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's
what her dinner tasted like. 

We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we
wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore
he picked up in town. 

I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to
town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad. 

As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray,
I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he
was, and how I named him Flint. 

If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's
real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you. 

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first
instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what is I was an ant, and she
fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny. 

If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you
friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to
pretend you were swimming. 

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school
we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat
one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman
was a bear. 

Children need encouragement.  If a kid gets an answer
right, tell him it was a lucky guess.  That way he develops a
good, lucky feeling. 

The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw. 

When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or
pie heaven, choose pie heaven.  It might be a trick, but if it's not,
mmmmmmm, boy. 

Whether they find a life there or not, I think Jupiter
should be called an enemy planet. 

Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we
should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already
have. 

I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver.
and since he is so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real
quick and give it to him. 

Just because swans mate for life, I don't think its that big a deal.
First of all, if you're a swan, you're probably not going to find a
swan that looks much better than the one you've got, so why not mate
for life? 

If you're robbing a bank and you're pants fall down, I
think it's okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too,
because, come on, life is funny. 

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a
mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic. 

Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead.  No, wait, not
me, you. 

I can't stand cheap people.  It makes me real mad when someone says
something like, "Hey, when are you going to pay me that $100 you owe
me?" or "Do you have that $50 you borrowed?" Man, quit being so cheap!


I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the
state-appointed shrink is our friend. 

I think one way the cops could make money would be to hold
a murder weapons sale.  Many people could really use used ice
picks. 

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer,
I bet you could shoot beer out of you nose. 

I believe in making the world safe for our children, but
not our children's children, because I don't think children
should be having sex. 

Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of
freedom.  I could walk freely, make my own meals, and even hurl large
rocks at their heads.  It was only later that I discovered that they
were not Indians at all but only dirty-clothes hampers. 

I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their
pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name
on it. 

It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets
its wings.  But what they don't tell you is that every time you
hear a mouse trap snap, and Angel gets set on fire. 

If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy,
throw one of those small pumpkins.  Maybe it'll make everyone think
how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real
grenade at them. 

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it. 

The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very
large blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat.
And if someone asks me why I didn't get more meat, I'll just say, "Oh,
you mean this?" and pull out a big piece of meat from inside the blob
of potatoes, where I've hidden it.  Good magic trick, huh?
 
Life, to me, is like a quiet forest pool, one that needs a direct hit
from a big rock half-buried in the ground.  You pull and you pull, but
you can't get the rock out of the ground.  So you give it a good kick,
but you lose your balance and go skidding down the hill toward the
pool.  Then out comes a big Hawaiian man who was screwing his wife
beside the pool because they thought it was real pretty.  He tells you
to get out of there, but you start faking it, like you're talking
Hawaiian, and then he gets mad and chases you...
 
Sometimes, when I drive across the desert in the middle of the night,
with no other cars around, I start imagining:  What if there were no
civilization out there?  No cities, no factories, no people?  And then
I think:  No people or factories?  Then who made this car?  And this
highway?  And I get so confused I have to stick my head out the window
into the driving rain---unless there's lightning, because I could get
struck on the head by a bolt.
 
The whole town laughed at my great-grandfather, just because he worked
hard and saved his money.  True, working at the hardware store didn't
pay much, but he felt it was better than what everybody else did,
which was go up to the volcano and collect the gold nuggets it shot
out every day.  It turned out he was right. After forty years, the
volcano petered out.  Everybody left town, and the hardware store went
broke.  Finally he decided to collect gold nuggets too, but there
weren't many left by then.  Plus, he broke his leg and the doctor's
bills were real high.
 
Too bad when I was a kid there wasn't a guy in our class that
everybody called the "Cricket Boy", because I would have liked to
stand up in class and tell everybody, "You can make fun of the Cricket
Boy if you want to, but to me he's just like everybody else."  Then
everybody would leave the Cricket Boy alone, and I'd invite him over
to spend the night at my house, but after about five minutes of that
loud chirping I'd have to kick him out.  Maybe later we could get up a
petition to get the Cricket Family run out of town.  Bye, Cricket Boy.
 
I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat".  It's a fake baby
duck, which you strap on top of your head.  Then you go swimming
underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join
them.  Then, all of a sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar
like Godzilla.  Man, those ducks really take off!  Also, Baby Duck Hat
is good for parties.
 
I wish I lived back in the old west days, because I'd save up my money
for about twenty years so I could buy a solid-gold pick.  Then I'd go
out West and start digging for gold.  When someone came up and asked
what I was doing, I'd say, "Looking for gold, ya durn fool."  He'd
say, "Your pick is gold," and I'd say, "Well, that was easy."  Good
joke, huh.
 
A funny thing to do is, if you're out hiking and your friend gets
bitten by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going to go for help,
then go about ten feet and pretend that *you* got bit by a snake. Then
start an argument with him about who's going to go get help. A lot of
guys will start crying. That's why it makes you feel good when you
tell them it was just a joke.
 
I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran
up and lit the evil puppet villain on fire.  No, I didn't.  Just
kidding.  I just said that to help illustrate one of the human
emotions, which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when you
kill someone for money, or something like that. Another emotion is
generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid
puppet.   
 
Many people think that history is a dull subject.  Dull?  Is it "dull"
that Jesse James once got bitten on the forehead by an ant, and at
first it didn't seem like anything, but then the bite got worse and
worse, so he went to a doctor in town, and the secretary told him to
wait, so he sat down and waited, and waited, and waited, and waited,
and then finally he got to see the doctor, and the doctor put some
salve on it? You call that dull?
          
I scrambled to the top of the precipice where Nick was waiting.  "That
was fun," I said.  "You bet it was," said Nick. "Let's climb higher."
"No," I said. "I think we should be heading back now."  "We have
time," Nick insisted. I said we didn't, and Nick said we did. We
argued back and forth like that for about 20 minutes, then finally
decided to head back.  I didn't say it was an interesting story.
          
If you're a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or
the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you're eating
it, but instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy
ball.  Then, later, when you're out back having cigars with the boys,
let out a big fake cough and throw the ball to the ground.  Then say,
"Boy, these are good cigars!"   
 
I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside.  I knew what
was coming.  "You don't have to tell me," I said.  "I'm off the team,
aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team.
You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your
helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either
steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to
tackle people at inappropriate times."  It was all true what he was
saying.  And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of
this Coach.  He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he
can mold.  But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.
 
If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it
Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which
is not the inpression we are trying to convey with our store.  On the
other hand, we would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the
trampolines, unless a tramp's gyrations seemed to be getting out of
control.
 
I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and
nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to the old board of his.  Then he'd
spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where
it stopped he'd yell out, "Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!"  We all
thought he was crazy.  But then we had some growing up to do.