The Cannonical List of Redneck Jokes
About a year ago, I saw a comedian named Jeff Foxworthy.
He did a comedy special, and part of his act was about
rednecks... He had a list of things, that if true, may mean
that you were a redneck.
I've spent the last 8 years, either in the Air Force, or
working for them, and have many friends of the `southern
persuasion'. We constantly slam each other with friendly little
quips, and one of my favourites, is to pick on them being
`REDNECKS'... Jeff Foxworthy's show gave me lots of good
material to start off with, and I have come up with many of
my own... what follows is a Canonical list of what I can
remember from his act, as well as my own contributions,
and those I've skimmed off the net... If you have any others,
Please send them to me, I will post them periodically with all
updates...
Updates are posted to rec.humor and rec.humor.d once a month
(within the first week) and occasionally to other groups who
might not check rec.humor but would probably know more redneck
humour than I do (boards where rednecks hang out :)
+ New entries since the last posting are marked with a + at the
beginning for + those that read the list regularly...
Thanx... Jeff
CANONICAL LIST OF REDNECK JOKES
YOU'RE PROBABLY A REDNECK IF ....................
1. More than one living relative is named after a southern
civil war general.
2. Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are
killed.
3. You've ever used lard in bed.
4. Your home has more miles on it than your car.
5. You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouerve.
6. There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
7. You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality
entertainment.
8. Fewer than half of your cars run.
9. Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before
telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass.
10. The primary colour of your car is "bondo".
11. You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises
and seductive tongue gestures.
12. You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for
Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
13. Your family tree doesn't fork.
14. Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
15. Your mother has been involved in a fistfight at a high
school sports event.
17. You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
18. The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the
shade.
19. The neighbours started a petition over your Christmas
lights. 20. Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
21. You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey
and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.
22. Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy
size bottle of ketchup.
23. The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the
front ones.
24. You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
25. You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
26. You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.
27. The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking
Institute".
28. Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
29. You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
30. Your favourite Christmas present, was a painting on black
velvet.
31. You think that Dom Perigon is a Mafia leader.
32. The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is
"What the hell are you looking at, Shithead?"
33. You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major
food groups.
34. You think that Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
35. The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends
are "Howdy!" "HEY!" or "How Y'all Doin?" (If they respond with
the same... they're a redneck too!)
36. You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
37. Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has
an opening on the lube rack.
38. You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
39. You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest
invention of all time.
40. You've been too drunk to fish.
41. You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
42. You've ever used a weedeater indoors.
43. You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).
44. You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms.
Right'
45. You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
46. Your riches relative invites you over to his new home to
help him remove the wheels and skirt.
47. You've ever financed a tattoo.
48. Your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a
sixpack.
49. You go to a tupperware party for a haircut.
50. You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an
overpass.
51. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
52. Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt
buckle.
53. Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
54. The directions to your house include "turn off the paved
road".
55. Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
56. Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to
have those Yosemite Sam mudflaps.
57. You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
58. You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
59. Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people".
60. You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can
in the car.
61. Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
62. You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your
car.
63. You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal
occasions.
64. You have to scratch your sisters name out of the message:
"for a good time call . .", because you feel guilty about putting
it there...
65. Redman (chewing Tobacco) sends you a Christmas card.
66. You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are
at the UIC office.
67. Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the
same grade.
68. Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
69. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
70. You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to
"Georgia on My Mind".
71. You call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis.
72. You consider your license plate personalized because your
dad made it in prison.
73. You have been fired from a construction job because of your
appearance.
74. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie
at the House of Tattoos.
75. You need an estimate from your barber before you get a
haircut.
76. After making love you ask your date to roll down the window.
77. The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll
wear to the 4-H Fair.
78. You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your
front yard.
79. Someone in your family says "Cum'n heer an' lookit this
afore I flush it."
80. Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.
81. You mow your lawn and find a car.
82. If going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves
putting on shoes (if you have them) a jacket and grabbing a
flashlight.
83. You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and
girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.
84. You are still holding on to Confederate money because you
think the South will rise again.
85. You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
86. You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.
87. You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest
contest".
88. You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
89. You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a
plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
90. There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack
hanging in your truck.
91. You think the Mountain Men in deliverance were just
"Misunderstood".
92. You've ever made change in the offering plate.
93. If the fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year,"
94. You consider a good tan to be the back of your neck and the
left arm below the shirt sleeve...
95. You own at least 20 baseball hats.
96. You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of
a baseball hat.
97. You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your
head.
98. When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank!
99. Your biggest ambition in live is to "git thet big'ole coon.
The one what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah bubba's barn..."
100. Three quarters of the clothes you own have LOGOS on them.
101. When you leave your house, you are followed by federal
agents of the Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms, and the
only thing you worry about is if you can loose them or not.
102. you have 5 cars that are immobile and house that is!
103. You gene pool doesn't have a "deep end"
104. "Honey? Are the lights out? Is the door locked? Is the
parking brake set?" is what you hear right before you and your
wife/girl make love
105. Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him
around in.
106. You'd rather catch bass than get some (if you can't
guess...)
107. You have a Hefty bag for a Car/Truck convertible top.
108. Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.
109. You think that safe sex is a padded headboard on the
waterbed.
110. You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.
111. You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
112. You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than
cars.
113. You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis
over your fireplace.
114. You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.
116. There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.
117. The theme song at your high school prom was `Friends in Low
Places'
118. It's Easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
119. You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Grey
are the three of the primary colours.
120. You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to
defend your sister's honour.
121. You idea of talking during sex is "Ain't no cars coming,
baby!"
122. Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job--primer red and primer
grey.
123. The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.
124. Yer mom calls ya over t'help, cause she has a flat tire...on
her house
125. The ASPCA raids yer kitchen
126. Ya have to check in the bottom yer shoe for change so ya can
get grandma a new plug of tobacco
127. Foreplay consists of slipping off her saddle
128. Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart cause there is a law
against it.
129. Ya celebrate groundhog day (cause ya believe in it!!)
130. You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of
a tornado.
131. You fish in your above-ground pool, especially if you catch
something!
132. When a sign that says "Say No To Crack!" reminds you to pull
up your jeans.
133. Helping your cousin, Billy-Bob, move into his new place
consists of the wheels off his doublewide (in memory of Chris "No
House" Skowronski)...
134. Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction
in your home town.
135. You know you're a redneck if you wake up with both a black
eye and a hickey.
136. Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank
of gas in the truck.
137. "Buck Naked Line Dancing" isn't a videotape, it's "Ladies
Night" at the local bar.
138. Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've
got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.
139. You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.
140. You're moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton
singing "I Will Always Love You".
141. Dolly Parton reminds you of the `Grand Tetons'. (of course
this is a very sophisticated sophisticated redneck joke... if you
laughed... you must be a redneck, only they will get this one.)
142. You grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a
gourmet item.
143. Your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy
Centre. (Clinton true-life story)
145. The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway
Twitty record collection (you insurance man is one too if he pays
you for it).
146. You actually made a pyramid of cans in the pale moonlight
with Alan Jackson.
147. You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your
education.
148. You've ever hit a deer with your car... on purpose! "
149. You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
150. Your mom gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting
events.
151. You've ever parked a Camero in a tree.
152. Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.
153. Your dad is also your favourite uncle.
154. The blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending
on how much gas it has in it.
155. Your classes at school were cancelled because the path to
the restroom was flooded.
156. On your job application under "SEX" you put "As often as
possible".
157. During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom
together.
158. You're a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when
it gets light.
159. On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the
keys to the tractor.
160. Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!".
161. You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deer
hunting.
162. In tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly
do?".
163. Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
164. You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are
"Gentlemen, start your engines." or "Play Ball..."
165. Your child's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers!".
166. Your wife's best pair of shoes are steel-toed Red Wings.
167. You have a colour coordinating rope that ties down your car
hood.
168. You bring your dog to work with you.
XXX. You actually get offended by Jeff Foxworthy's CD "You Might
Be A Redneck" (or this posting) ;-)
WARNING: IF TWENTY OR MORE OF THE ABOVE ARE TRUE ABOUT
YOU.... YOU ARE A REDNECK, AND SHOULD SEEK CIVILIZED HELP
IMMEDIATELY...
--==--==--==--==--==--==--==--==--==--==--==--==--==--==--==--==-
A college kid from up north got hopelessly lost in the
backwoods trying to take a short-cut home for the holidays. He
finally came upon a lone farm house and saw an Old Hillbilly
sitting on the front porch in a rocking chair. He went up to the
Old Hillbilly to get directions:
Student: "Excuse me sir, but, could you tell me how to get to
Smithville ?"
Old Hillbilly: "Sorry, young fellow, but, I never heered of it."
Student: "Well, could you tell me how to get back to the
Interstate?"
Old Hillbilly: "Ah, what's this here Inter-state thing?"
Student: "It's the main road going north and south - a super
highway."
Old Hillbilly: "A super road you say. Didn't know there was
one."
Student: "You sure don't know much about what's going on, do
you?" Old Hillbilly: "Maybe not, young fellow, but, then again --
I ain't lost."
Student (not knowing when to leave bad enough alone): "I've been
told that you old backwoodsmen are pretty smart even though you
haven't had much schooling."
Old Hillbilly: "Could be. Though I did attend school back in
ought 7 and 8."
Student: "Well sir, I am a college student and I wonder if you
would mind having a contest with me to see which of us is the
smarter?"
Old Hillbilly: "Wouldn't mine at all - what you got in mind?"
Student: "How about if we take turns asking each other questions
until one of us can't answer."
Old Hillbilly: "And what did you say the stakes were?"
Student: "Well, I didn't - but if you want to play for money -
let's say one dollar a question."
Old Hillbilly: "Seems to me - you being a college student and all
- that you put up a dollar and I put up fifty cents."
Student: "That's fine with me. You start."
Old Hillbilly: "Okey. What has three legs, is purple, and barks
like a dog ?"
Student: (after a long pause) "I don't know. Here's your dollar.
But, what does have three legs, is purple, and barks like a dog
?" Old Hillbilly: "Danged if I know - here's your fifty cents."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Bubba-Joe had a nice little shack in Kentucky, a cabin up in
the mountains and a pretty easy job. He'd just turned 50 and
was becoming concerned that his stamina was declining, he
couldn't paddle the fishin boat as long, and he almost passed
out from exhaustion 1/2 way to the hunting cabin, but worst of
all was his wife... she complained that his performance in the
bedroom was lacking in energy. She continuously badgered him
about, until one day he couldn't take it any more, and went to
see a doctor:
Doc: "Well Bubba-Joe, you're a might on a heavy sah-d, yer
tuckered purty quick too, but yer jest a bit outta shape. Start
jogg'n lahk 'em city folks do.... 5 miles a day. It outta
improve yer stamina."
Well, Bubba-Joe was a confirmed Couch-potatoe, and a
dedicated WWF fan, but reluctantly agreed to do it (rather
than put up with his wife's constant nagging). About 2 weeks
later the Doctor got a call from Bubba-Joe:
Doc: "Hey there Bubba-Joe, How you feelin?"
B-J: "Purty Good Doc, Ah think you was right! Ah's gitt'n purty
good shape!" Doc: "Excellent, the missus leave off naggin now
that yer sex life's improved?"
B-J: "Well it ain't improved yet. Gimme another seven days tho,
cause I'm almost ta Nashville, with my new body, Ah'm shore it'll
pick up there."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Loyd, the new employee at the construction site was habitually
late. Finally, the foreman called him in. "Loyd Don't you know
what time we go to work here?" he shouted. "No, sir," was the
reply, "I haven't been able to figure it out yet, because the
rest of you are already here."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do they call "Hee Haw" in Oklahoma?
A: A documentary.
Q: What do they call it in Kentucky?
A: `Life Styles Of The Rich And Famous'
-----------------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's a level headed redneck?
A: One with shit coming out BOTH ears.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Didja hear about the redneck girl who moved to Detroit and
became a secretary for a motorcompany? She saw memo's about tail
assemblies, and thought they were talking about company picnics.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why are there no fly swatters in Kentucky?
A: It's against the law to kill the State Bird
-----------------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you get 12 rednecks in phone booth?
A: Tell 'em it's free phone sex
A: Tell 'em Hulk Hogan is calling
Q: How do you get 12 rednecks out of a phone booth?
A: Toss in a bar of soap
A: Throw in a copy of GQ
Q: How do you get them Back in AGAIN?
A: Toss a plug inside
A: Tell 'em Hulk Hogan is calling back
-----------------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Two rednecks standing around on a sheep farm, during the
coldest winter they've had in years. Red turns to Bo and
confessed that he really couldn't wait til it was time to shear
the flocks.
The other nodded, rubbing his hands together in anticipation.
"It'll be great selling the wool, and spending the money on
Whiskey and beer, wi-men and pool... won't it?"
"Nawh... That ain't it," said Red. "Ah just cain't WAIT ta
see'em NAKED!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------
----------------------------------------------------------------
- When Bobby turned 16, his big brother Luke decided to turn
him into a `Real Man'. Luke took Bobby down to the local
whorehouse and explained to Bobby: "Yer gonna be a `Real Man'
now... No more chasen yer sister, or hide'n in the barn.
Thair's real wi-men in thair, now go git one." and sent him
inside.
Once inside, Bobby explained to the madam that he needed a
`Real Woman' so he could become a `Real Man'. The madam smiled
at him: "Don't worry, my boy, we'll get a nice lass ta take
care of ya" she promised. "Ya just do your part and make sure ya
wear one of these." at that, the madam took a condom out of a
drawer, unwrapped it, and showed him how to put it on, by rolling
it down over her thumb.
Bobby, properly armed, parted with the money his brother
gave him, and dashed up the stairs to Room Twelve, where a
cheerful farmgirl quickly showed him the ropes. After he'd come,
a from passed over her face. "The #$^% rubber must have torn,"
she muttered. "I'm as soaked as a swamp..."
"Oh no it didn't M'am" Bobby offered heartily, holding
up his thumb as evidence. "It's as good as new..."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Suzy-Mae was your typical down home redneck kinda gal, who
moved out to Hollywood. She had great dreams of being
discovered and becoming "A famous Movie Star like Dolly and
Kenny..." Alas, she found neither fame nor glory, but instead
plenty of men that wanted to enjoy her plentiful charms. One day
she was served a summons for court, it appeared that she had been
named in a divorce case.
When Suzy-Mae's turn to take the stand came, the prosecutor
stepped forward: "Miss Suzy-Mae Kincade, the defendant's wife
has identified you as `the other woman' in her husband's life,
and is now suing for divorce. Now, do you admit or deny,
that you went to the PriceRite Motel with Mr Caruthers?"
"Well, Yes..." Acknowledged Suzy-Mae with a sniff and a sob, "But
Ah couldn't help it!"
"Couldn't help it?" Asked the wife's lawyer derisively. "How's
that?!?"
"Mr Caruthers deceived Me!" She pouted.
"Exactly what so you mean Miss Kincade?" The lawyer asked, on the
verge of out right laughter.
"Well, Ya see, when we signed in" She explained indignantly,
"He tole the Motel clerk that Ah! was his wife!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------------------------------------------
I have to say, your list of redneck jokes, etc.. is an absolute
classic!!! I'm from W.V., so I'm allowed to say that!! If I find
more, I'll tell you. Please keep me anonymous.
I might as well tell you one on myself. About 1 1/2 months
ago, a man in east Tennessee was arrested for having sex with
(you might guess) a dog. My semi-philosophical nature led
me into a discussion about this with my roommate. While
the first statement out of my mouth in response to him
telling me about this was intended to be an enquiry of animal
rights, natural rights, and questioning authority for making a
moral judgement, I quickly realized my error only after
responding: "Why? It wasn't his dog?" My roommate just
laughed and reminded me that only someone from West Virginia
could have made that response.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------------------------------------------
A hillbilly kid marries his childhood sweetheart (literally
if you know what I mean). Their honeymoon was to take place in a
special hunting lodge which is only accessible by train. They
get to the station where they wait for 5 hours. Everybody
there is getting a little miffed.
The bride realizes that she needs to go to the little girls
room, and upon returning, she's crying hysterically. Her
husband asks her what was up. After a lot of effort, she
says, "As I was waiting in line to use the bathroom, I
overheard a couple of hunters say that if the train doesn't
get here soon, the fuckin season will be over.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Bubba: "What is your son going to be when he graduates?"
Billy-Joe: "An old man."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Cleatus: "Hey Zeke, where was your son-in-law when you first
saw him?"
Zeke: "Right smack in the middle of my shotgun sights!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many rednecks from does it take to bake chocolate chip
cookies?
A: Three. One to mix the batter, and his two inbred daughters
to peel the M&M's.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How does a `Real Man' know whenever his girlfriend is having
an orgasm?
A: A `Real Man' doesn't care.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do rednecks drive pickup trucks with ridiculously large
tires and wear big belt buckles & cowboy boots?
A: So when they're screwing calves in the bed of their pickups:
#1 They can put a hind leg in each boot and the tail in the belt
buckle, thus freeing their hands for a Coors (Jack Daniels,
etc.) and a spit cup. #2 The fear of falling from the back of
the absurdly high bed encourages the calf to push back.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------------------------------------------
In memory of the passing of humorist Lewis Grizzard.
The scene is a big football game between the University of
Georgia and Georgia State. The stadium is packed, the game is
being shown on national television. Georgia's mascot, a bulldog
named UGA, is crossing the field, when suddenly, oblivious to
the fact that thousands of fans, and millions more at home are
watching, he stops right there on the 50-yard line, and
commences to lick himself in the manner in which male dogs are
wont to lick themselves.
Two good-ole-boys, Bubba and Earl are sitting in the stands.
Bubba elbows Earl and says to him, "Dang! Will you look at
that! Wish I could do that!"
Earl turns to him and says, "That dawg would bite you!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------
How many country singers does it take to change a lightbulb????
Five. One to change it and four to sing about how much they miss
the old one.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
What are the three biggest lies a Red Neck male says?
1. No, I really have a diploma.
2. No, she's not my cousin.
3. Honest officer I was only trying to help the sheep over the
fence.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call the layer of sweat between two rednecks
having sex? A: Relative Humidity.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
NEWS FLASH: The teachers' strike in WV has been settled: The
dispute was over sex education. It has been agreed that sex
education will be taught on Tuesdays and Thursdays. On Monday,
Wednesday and Friday, drivers' ed. gets the car.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
The state government of WV is suing the Detroit car makers: They
want them to put the dimmer switch back on the floor because too
many West Virginans are getting their feet tangled up in the
steering wheel and causing wrecks.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when you cross the border into Texas?
Shit becomes a two-syllable word, as in
"wayel, sheeyit"
-----------------------------------------------------------------
The Canadian cowboy walked into the Calgary lingerie store and in
some embarrassment asked for a bra for his wife.
Clerk: "What size is she, sir?"
Cowboy: Sheepishly "7 3/8
Clerk: Bewildered "Sorry, sir, bras don't come in such sizes."
Cowboy: "But, I took the measurement myself."
Clerk: "With what did you measure?"
Cowboy: "My Stetson...."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
True story from Kentucky:
A friend's car battery needed water. She phoned the nearest
convenience store and asked, "Do you have distilled water?"
The reply: "I don't know; we just got in a new bunch of videos
and I haven't checked all the titles."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
OLD HUNTERS never die, they just stay LOADED
OLD MILKMAIDS never die, they just lose their whey
OLD TANNERS never die, they just go into hiding
OLD TRUCK DRIVERS never die; they just get a new Peterbilt OLD
WRESTLERS never die, they just lose their grip
-----------------------------------------------------------------
In Memphis, Tennessee, it is illegal for a woman to drive a car
unless there is a man either running or walking in front of it
waving a red flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians.
It is illegal to say "Oh, Boy" in Jonesboro, Georgia.
According to Arkansas law, Section 4761, Pope's Digest: "No
person shall be permitted under any pretext whatever, to come
nearer than fifty feet of any door or window of any polling room,
from the opening of the polls until the completion of the count
and the certification of the returns."
In Seattle, Washington, it is illegal to carry a concealed weapon
that is over six feet in length.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Rural Route #2
Fremont, NE 68025
September 8, 1987
Honourable Secretary of Agriculture
Washington D.C.
Dear Sir:
My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wells, Iowa, received a
check for $1,000.00 from the government for not raising hogs.
So I want to go into the "not raising hogs" business next year.
What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best
kind of farm not to raise hogs on and what is the best breed
of hogs not to raise? I want to be sure that I approach this
endeavour in keeping with all governmental policies. I
would prefer not to raise razorbacks, but if that is not a
good breed not to raise, then I would just as gladly not raise
Yorkshires or Durocs.
As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in
keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised.
My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future
of the business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years or
so, and the best he ever made on them was $442.00 in 1968, until
this year when he got your check for $1,000.00 for not raising
hogs.
If I get $1,000.00 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get
$2,000.00 for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a
small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 hogs
not raised, which will mean about $80,000.00 the first year.
Then I can afford an airplane.
Now another thing. These hogs I will not be raising will
not eat 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also
pay farmers for not raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify
for payments for not raising wheat and corn not to feed the
4,000 hogs I am not going to raise?
I want to get started as soon as possible as this seems to be a
good time of the year not to raise hogs and grain.
Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so
send me any information on that too.
In view of these circumstances, you understand that I
will be totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment
and food stamps.
Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.
Patriotically yours,
Jean Partridge
P.S. Would you please notify me when you plan to distribute more
free cheese?
-----------------------------------------------------------------
COWBOYS handle anything horny
COWGIRLS like to ride bareback
COWS do it in leather
HUNTERS do it with a bang
DEER HUNTERS will do anything for a buck
HUNTERS do it in the bush
HUNTERS do it with a big gun
HUNTERS eat what they shoot
HUNTERS go deeper into the bush
SHEEP do it when led astray
TRUCK DRIVERS carry bigger loads
TRUCK DRIVERS do it on the road
TRUCK DRIVERS have bigger dipsticks
TRUCKERS carry bigger loads
TRUCKERS have moving experiences
-----------------------------------------------------------------
In Nashville, Tennessee yesterday (2/22/94), three armed men
robbed a pawn shop owner and used his truck for a getaway
vehicle. Exiting the shop, they all piled into the truck--only to
discover that it had a manual transmission, which none of the
three knew how to operate.... They were last seen fleeing on
foot.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
In the good old days, men were *real* men, women were *real*
women, and small furry animals were *real* small furry animals.
You knew where you stood. If you didn't, you planted a flag in
the ground and claimed the place for King and Country, and
everyone knew where you stood.
Nowadays, men wear long hair and women wear trousers. People have
sex with other people regardless of gender or species. Men are
*real* women, women are *real* men, and small furry animals are
*real* afraid.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
There's this Aussie farmer visiting a new Zealand farm, and in a
back paddock he comes across a New Zealander screwing a sheep.
The farmer says "Hey mate - in our country we shear our sheep"
and the New Zealander replies "get Stuffed - I'm not shearing
this sheep with anyone.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
An Australian is visiting a New Zealand Farm, and the farmer
shows him round the chook sheds, the pig pens, the paddocks.
Finally he points to a tree about 30 meters away and tells the
Aussie - "Under that tree is where I first had sex". Then he
points to another tree and says "..and that's where her mother
stood and watched us". The Australian gasps "What did she say?"
"BAAAAAaaaaaaaa
-----------------------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between a redneck and a good old boy? A
redneck pitches his beer cans on the side of the road and a good
old boy throws them in the back of his truck.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Welcome to Norton, where the men are men and the sheep are
afraid!
Welcome to Norton, where the men are men, the sheep are afraid
and the lambs say "Daaaaaaady"
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you castrate a hill billy?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw!
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do True rednecks Wear Button Fly Jeans?
A: Because sheep can hear zippers!!
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Soon after completing trucking school, Billy Bob goes in to take
the test to get his CDL (commercial driver's license). Since ol'
Bill was brought up in the finest Arkansas school system, he
can't read very well, so the test is administered orally. He paid
attention in trucking school, though, and he answers all of the
questions quickly and correctly--up until the last one.
"You're starting down a steep incline at 55mph, when you notice a
school bus full of children stalled, blocking the road at the
bottom. What do you do?
Billy Bob sits there for a minute, not answering.
"You're a quarter of the way down the hill, doing 75mph. What're
you gonna do?
Again, Billy Bob doesn't answer.
"You're HALF-WAY down the hill, doing 85mph! What're you going to
do?"
Still no answer.
"You're THREE QUARTERS of the way down the hill. You're doing
NINETY-FIVE MILES PER HOUR. WHAT are you GOING to do!?!?"
Billy Bob looks up. "I'm going to wake up ol' Shep."
The tester looks up, astonished. "Wake up old Shep?"
"Yep. Shep ain't never seen a wreck like we're about to have."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Read the following: If you get it, then you read it correctly,
and you are probably a redneck. If you don't get it, you didn't
read it right... Which means you aren't a redneck... Ask me, and
I'll explain it. (9 out of 10 probably won't get it...)
jeff@lonexa.admin.rl.af.mil
M R DUCKS
M R NOT
O S A R C M WANGS
L I B M R DUCKS
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Trying desperately to establish the reliability and good
character of his witness, the public defender asked the boy:
"Bubba-Joe..., would ya'll please tell th-court...., is yer
wid-uhd mamma dependant on you?"
To which Bubba-Joe answered with a big 'ole smile: "She
Shore is..., Why Iff'n Ah didn go pick up the warsh'n an bring it
home... The 'ole lady'd starve ta death..."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Joe and Jim-Bob went out hunting, and that night, siting around
the campfire, they're drinking a bunch of beer... Well, as will
happen, they both had to take a piss, and wondered out into the
woods to take a leak. Joe looks over At Jim-Bob and says:
"I Shore wish I had one like mah cuzin Junior... He needs four
fingers ta hold his..."
Jim-Bob looks over and points out: "but you're usin' four fingers
on yer's" To which Joe Replies witha sigh: "Yep, but A'hm pee'n
on three of 'em..."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do Rednecks `do it' doggie-style?
A: So they can both watch WWF.
A: So they don't have to look at each other.
A: So when the guy closes his eyes he can pretend it's `Bessy'
(Daddy's cow) A: It distributes the wieght better.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why don't they teach sex education to rednecks?
A: The farm animals can't handle it.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Two Rednecks working on a cattle farm, Junior and Bo...
Junior: "Gosh Bo, A'h can't wait till we start the cattle
drive..."
Bo: "Yep, out on the range... Jest you an me an dem cows..."
Junior: "uh-hu... and wait till we take'em cross the river...
Imagine it!"
Bo: "Yep, You an'me guidin' dem cows cross the river, keepin'em
safe..."
Junior: "Yeah, an watchin'em all come out of the river all wet an
shivering..."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the redneck who passed away and left his
entire estate in trust for his beloved widow?
She can't touch it till she's fourteen...
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Gomer's cousin John is visiting from up north, and Gomer decides
to take him hunting... show how `real-men' live... and they're
out in the woods looking for deer, when what should run across
the clearing in front of them but a lovely blonde, stark naked!
"Oh my God!" said John, licking his lips in anticipation...
already miserable out in the woods. "How I would love to eat the
delectable creature!"
So Gomer shot her...
-----------------------------------------------------------------
New Best sellers according to the Knoxville Tennesse Gazette:
"Fourteen Yards to the Outhouse" by Willy Makeit (illustrated by
Betty Wont) "Fourteen Days in the Saddle" by Major Ashburn
"Hole In My Bucket" by Lee King
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a redneck?
A: The good ol' boy raises livestock. The redneck gets
emotionally involved.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
You know you're wife is a redneck when...
... she substitutes bacon grease for olive oil in the pesto
sauce.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Q: "What's the most popular pick up line in Arkansas?"
A: Nice tooth!
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the Georgia state bird?
A: The mosquito.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a virgin in Kentucky?
A: A girl who can out run her Brothers...
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Billy-Joe, and Betty-Sue get married, and Billy-Joe whisks her a
way to his daddy's hunting cabin in the woods, for a romantic
`nature honeymoon'...
He carries her across the threshold, and they get into bed, when
Betty-Sue whispers in his ear "Billy-Joe, be gentle, I ain never
been with a man b'fore."
"WHAT???" shouts Billy-Joe, his little bride softly shakes her
head...
Billy-Joe jumps out of bed, grabs his clothes, and races out the
door, into his truck.... down the mountain.... straight to his
parents house... rushes inside screaming "Hey Daddy!, Paw!
Git'up!" .....
His father rushes downstairs and gasps... "Billy-Joe, what'r you
doin here?"
Billy-Joe, still breathing hard from his mad flight, gasps "Well,
Betty-Sue an I was in the' cabin, and she toll' me she ain't
never been with a man' afore.... so's I rushed outta there, an'
lit back here... quick as I could!"
His father grasps Billy-Joe's shoulder in re-assurance, and says
"SON, Ya done the right thing.... Iffin she ain't good'nuff fer
her family, she shure as shit ain't good'nuff fer ours!!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------
In most places, the day After Christmas and the day after
Thanksgiving are the busiest shopping days... but not in
Arkansas.... Thier's is what ever time K-mart has thier "Whites"
sale...
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Where do redneck meet chicks?
A: At family barbecues of course.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What is a redneck's definition of weather?
A: Relative humidity.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the first thing a redneck does when his pick-up truck
breaks down? A: Builds a house!
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the Tennesse state tree?
Q: The telephone pole.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
One day a daughter went to her father to ask him for some money
to buy a Prom dress. After thinking about it for awhile & having
the daughter beg profusely, he finally gives in and says,
"Alright, but you know what you gotta do!!!" The daughter
replies, "Yes, yes, I know." So the daughter unzips her
father's pants and starts sucking his dick. After a little while
her face grimaces & she looks up to her father & says, "This
tastes like SHIT!!!" To that the father replies, "Oh, your
brother wanted to take the car to Prom."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
These three tough rednecks were sitting around the
campfire talking about just who was the toughest.
The first redneck says:
Well I'm so tough, once when I was out gathering wood, this
coyote jumped me from behind. Well I just grabbed him by the
neck with my left hand and choked him to death.
The second redneck says:
Hell, that ain't nothing. Once when I was up on the trail with
my horse Thunder this big ol' grizzly bear comes out of the woods
with hunger in his eyes. He chomps down and rips of my left arm.
Well this really gets my riled up so I grab my arm from his mouth
with my right arm and beat the danged grizzly to death with it.
The third redneck sits quietly stirring up the fire with his
dick.....
-----------------------------------------------------------------
If Tennesse were to secede from the Union, it would be the third
largest nuclear power in the world (Tennesse Valley Authority,
enough Watts To make all of North America Glow...)
-----------------------------------------------------------------
This joke comes from the likes of a New England business office,
secretaries at coffee break:.
One of the secretaries was going on vacation to experience what
she called `the three true wonders of the world'. She told her
fellow secretaries that she wanted to eat a "corn fed" steak, see
the Rocky Mountains, and to do the nasty with a cowboy!
(Three Weeks later):
The secretary returned today from her vacation...The first
question asked by her fellow secretaries was, 'so how was he?'
She told them that the Rocky Mountains were the most beautiful
sight in the world. Again they asked, 'so how was he?' She
replied by saying that she had never had a better steak in her
life. Finally repeating their question, 'so how was he?' she
said ... well I really couldn't tell you because I got scared
when I saw the size of rubbers (can of chewing tobacco) that they
were carrying in their back pockets!
-----------------------------------------------------------------
There was a country girl who finally found a good job in
the city. One night, shortly after arriving in the city,
she was invited to a very exclusive party. She didn't
know anyone, so she was trying to find someone to talk to, when
she saw an elegantly-dressed lady standing alone.
She approached the lady and said, "Where are you from?"
The lady gave an indignant look and said, "Well! Where I
am from, we DON'T end our sentences with a preposition.
The young girl thought about it and replied, "Oh, well,
where are you from, bitch?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a redneck with a third grade education? A:
Perfessor
|