University Jokes

SUBJ: You Know You're a College Student When ...

1. Going to the library is a social event.

2. You play the lottery to ensure housing, not win money.

3. No matter what ails you, the nurse can only give you generic
non-aspirin.

4. You need a map to find your classroom.

5. You're grateful that the cafeteria labels the food.

6. It's not unusual to see four feet in the next shower stall.

7. You plan your schedule to have Fridays off.

8. You wear flip-flops in the shower, to avoid the mysterious
creeping crud.

9. You pay outrageous prices for books that are worthless to you
after four months.

[Editor's Note: And you know you're a college *graduate* when you
wish you had those books *back*. ]

10. The word rush does not mean to be in a hurry.

11. You buy enough underwear to last five weeks so you do not have
to wash your clothes often.

12. You're willing to pay extra for edible food.

13. You'll pay any sum of money to have a pizza delivered to your
room at 2:00 a.m.

14. Out of sheer desperation, you attempt to cook a grilled cheese
sandwich on an iron.

15. Standing in line for half an hour to get a bowl of corn flakes
is worth the wait.

16. The same fish sticks that are served square on Tuesday are
served round on Friday.

17. While your mother lectures you over the phone, you take notes.

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SUBJ: Progress?

Consider the answer you might receive asking a grade-school child
the question "What is 2 plus 2?" in each of the last five decades:

in 1956: "4, of course"
in 1966: "3, but it's the method that's important"
in 1976: "just a second while I get out my calculator"
in 1986: "just a second while I launch 'Calculator' on my Mac"
in 1996: "just a second while I check the 'addition' home page"

[Editor's Note: Yes, I realize that the grade-school child with a
calculator in 1976 is perhaps a bit of a reach. Remember, I don't
write this stuff, I just rebuild subscriber files, and send out
Collages from time to time. ;-) ]

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SUBJ: Yesterday
Sung, if possible, to the tune "Yesterday"

Yesterday,
all my finals seemed so far away.
Then I realized that they start today.
Oh, how I long for yesterday.

Suddenly,
I no longer have the grade of "B".
Now it's looking closer to a "C".
Oh, finals came so suddenly.

I can
cram, although I can blow
it off today.
Come to-
morrow morn, I'll get on
my knees and pray...

Yesterday,
This was such an easy tune to play.
Now my chops are all but gone away,
My jury's a half-hour away.

What I
have to show
I don't know,
the prof won't say.
I'll spell
something wrong, or I'll bomb..
... there goes my "A"...

Yesterday.
Thought of graduating come this May.
Now it looks as though I'm here to stay,
oh, how I long for Yesterday.

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SUBJ: College Seniors vs. Freshmen

Freshman: Is never in bed past noon.
Senior:   Is never out of bed before noon.

Freshman: Reads the syllabus to find out what classes he can cut.
Senior:   Reads the syllabus to find out what classes he needs to
          attend.

Freshman: Brings a can of soda into a lecture hall.
Senior:   Brings a jumbo hoagie and six-pack of Mtn. Dew into a
          recitation class.

Freshman: Calls the professor "Teacher."
Senior:   Calls the professor "Bob."

Freshman: Would walk ten miles to get to class.
Senior:   Drives to class if it's more than three blocks away.

Freshman: Memorizes the course material to get a good grade.
Senior:   Memorizes the professor's habits to get a good grade.

Freshman: Knows a book-full of useless trivia about the university.
Senior:   Knows where the next class is. Usually.

Freshman: Shows up at a morning exam clean, perky, and fed.
Senior:   Shows up at a morning exam in sweats with a cap on and a
          box of pop tarts in hand.

Freshman: Has to ask where the computer labs are.
Senior:   Has 'own' personal workstation.

Freshman: Lines up for an hour to buy his textbooks in the
          first week.
Senior:   Starts to think about buying textbooks in October...
          maybe.

Freshman: Looks forward to first classes of the year
Senior:   Looks forward to first beer garden of the year

Freshman: Is proud of his A+ on Calculus I midterm
Senior:   Is proud of not *quite* failing his Complex Analysis
          midterm

Freshman: Calls his girlfriend back home every other night
Senior:   Calls Domino's every other night

Freshman: Is appalled at the class size and callousness of profs
Senior:   Is appalled that the campus 'Subway' burned down over
          the summer

Freshman: Conscientiously completes all homework, including optional
          questions
Senior:   Offers to 'tutor' conscientious frosh of opposite sex...

Freshman: Goes on grocery-shopping trip with Mom before moving onto
          campus
Senior:   Has a beer with Mom before moving into group house

Freshman: Is excited about the world of possibilities that awaits
          him, the unlimited vista of educational opportunities, the
          chance to expand one's horizons and really make a
          contribution to society
Senior:   Is excited about new dryers in laundry room

Freshman: Takes meticulous four-color notes in class
Senior:   Occasionally stays awake for all of class

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SUBJ: College Student or Bum?
Excerpted/modified from Janet Cahn's home page:


Are you a college student or a bum? It's a finer line than you
think! Just compare ...

Bum                              College Student
-------------------------------  --------------------------------
* Hang out in libraries          * Hang out in libraries
* Lots of fresh air              * Never see the sun
* Garbage cans                   * Vending machines
* Sleep anywhere                 * Sleep anywhere (see: libraries)
* Talk incoherently              * Talk incoherently
* Collect interesting pieces of  * Collect interesting pieces of
  paper                            paper
* Engage in impassioned debates  * Engage in impassioned debates
  with space aliens in their       with people who have never
  native dialects                  left school
* Wear all my favorite clothes   * Never a fashion slave
  at once!
* Invent the present             * Plagiarize
* Shopping carts                 * Backpacks
* Shelters                       * Shelters (see: libraries)
* Magic things: pigeon feathers, * Ritual objects: signed pieces
  a piece of string                of paper, brass rats
* Research: are pebbles edible?  * Research: can machines converse?

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SUBJ: Top Ten Amish Spring Break Activities

10. Drink molasses till you heave.

9. Attend a Wet Bonnet contest.

8. Tear a page out of the room directory and totally trash it.

7. Throw a "Keg of Buttermilk" party.

6. Blow past the Dairy Queen on a really hot Clydesdale.

5. Get a tattoo that says: "Born to Raise Barns."

4. Dare to wear a see-through smock to bed.

3. Sleep in until 6:00am.

2. Cop a glance, behind a checkout counter, of the front cover of a
Playboy Magazine.

1. Churn butter naked.

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SUBJ: Commencement Bingo

>From an article in the Boston Globe (9 Jun 96) concerning Vice
President Al Gore's commencement address at MIT:

   "Continuing a long tradition of graduation-day hacks, or pranks,
   ... an unknown group of students handed the 2,000 graduating
   students 'Al Gore Buzzword Bingo' cards as they arrived at
   commencement.

   "On each card of 25 squares was a different set of Information
   Superhighway [buzzwords] and catch phrases: global village,
   interoperability, paradigm, cognitive and so forth. Each time
   Gore uttered one, holders got to check off the square, hoping for
   five in a row...."

(Alas, no winners were reported.)